THANK GOD FOR SEX
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Queering the Christian Table Part 3: An Interlude

1/27/2014

5 Comments

 
Picture
by Daniel Tidwell

We are standing at the edge of Elliott Bay, laughing as we launch rocks into the cold waves of Puget Sound. We stagger and try not to impale each other as we flail uncoordinatedly, lobbing slippery stones with our left hands. We are both right handed.

To start reading from the beginning of the series, click here.

We are standing at the edge of Elliott Bay, laughing as we launch rocks into the cold waves of Puget Sound. We stagger and try not to impale each other as we flail uncoordinatedly, lobbing slippery stones with our left hands. We are both right handed.

My friend and I try to tell our brains and our muscles to mirror the more familiar gestures of our right hands. We are surprisingly clumsy. It is also surprising how quickly we become adept. Before too long—our shoes muddied—our lefty-flung rocks reach as far into the water as the ones thrown effortlessly from our right hands. A mottled, adolescent gull lands nearby, twisting its neck from side to side, examining our actions with its strange stare from the opposite sides of its head.

It is somewhere within this moment that my friend (a man married to a woman) begins to speak; tells of his experience talking to a group of folks at our church about why the Episcopal Church has created a blessing for same-sex unions (I am blessed to have non-queer identified friends who do such things as a matter of course in their lives).

We had spoken about this the day before, when I had borrowed his family’s car and returned it, eaten a burger standing at their counter, and visited with another friend as his children climbed on top of me. I had felt this moment coming—the day before that, when I had borrowed their car again and, returning it, dropped off grape flavored store-brand children’s Tylenol and he had mentioned he’d be hosting this talk.

As we stood, watching waves rock the seaweed, salt-air fresh under the spring sunlight, he began to name the shame he felt—to speak in church about blessing queer relationships. All the baggage that lives inside him, the unnamed places where fears and prejudices simply are—a part of the fabric of how we all come to be in this world. He spoke of how he felt the hesitation, the underlying accusations, the awkwardness, and how he felt when he pictured my face.

———–

I am so utterly grateful. Such goodness brings healing and leaves me undone.

There is something priceless in seeing so precious a friend continue to enter so deeply into his own process of wrestling with the internalized, deeply enculturated notions of gender, heteronormativity, and homophobia that have kept me bound—that keep us all bound.

I am stunned to see him wrestle with all that he and our culture have come by so honestly, and to know that he is facing these things with me in mind. This is courage; grace; repentance; Christian hospitality; family–put into practice.

When I first came out as gay, I could not have imagined I would be met with the kindness and courage I have been surrounded with. It is a bit like a week of sunshine and 70 degrees in the middle of a Seattle spring. It is a bit better than that—if that can be imagined.

———–

It is a strange thing to ask difficult questions about the things we do not question. It is a bit like a right-handed person picking up a rock with their left-hand and trying to throw it out into the waves.

The brain initially rebels. That feels weird. I can’t do it. The muscles don’t contain that memory. There is another way that is more familiar—revert to it and forget this left-handed nonsense. See how pitifully you throw with this hand (the voice of shame), it was never meant to be.

It’s a strange thing how adaptable the human brain is. How quickly, if we embrace the awkward, we can encounter a new reality wherein we are capable of so much more than we previously imagined.

If, in my embarrassment and shame, I stopped throwing with my left hand, I would not have found the surprise of distance, grace, creativity, and responsiveness with which my body so quickly responded to the unfamiliar task. I kept at it because it was challenging, and surprising, and fun—but mostly, I kept at it because I was doing it alongside a friend;  a friend who I trusted to laugh with me and enter into the unknown with a sense of awe and curiosity.

(published with permission from my friend who is mentioned in the story)

5 Comments
Heather Fosth
1/28/2014 03:06:17 am

First off, thank you for writing this series and particularly the one on the B-I-B-L-E. : ) This comment isn't directly related to the above post but addresses the your overall concept of "Queering the Church."

One question that I wrestle with in the realm of homosexuality and marriage is the central role that procreation plays in sex and historical marriage (one man-one woman, one man and lots of wives, concubines. One woman lots of concubines.Whatever!)

I am Catholic, straight and married to a Pentecostal. (It's crazy fun in our house!) As a Catholic, I understand sex to be procreative at its core. Heterosexual sex creates life. I don't see sex as merely procreative or at the expense of all the other gifts that God has given us in sexuality, but I'm not sure how to take the fundamental beauty/gift that is literal procreation and reconcile or put it alongside homosexuality.

In the civil realm, I vote for and support gay marriage. Societies and cultures define what marriage is and our system of government cannot deny one set of people the same protection and status as others. But within the Church? I don't know. I honestly don't know what to do with the essential role that procreation has within Christian marriage. (Or at least the possibility of it - which covers heterosexual couple who are infertile.) I have dear, beloved friends who are gay, and I see the glory of God in them. One married couple (two men) in particular are also Christians. We have talked some about this but of course, it is a tender subject and I have chosen to simply love them and support them without theological questions or conversations.

But when I read this series, I was encouraged that I could ask this honest question in respect and hear your thoughts. I welcome them.

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Daniel Tidwell link
2/1/2014 07:43:40 am

Heather,

Thanks for your question. I am grateful for the openness and curiosity with which you hold both your questions and the people in your life. After thinking about this some the other day, I wrote a response and somehow managed to delete it without posting--oh the internets. I'll try to give it another go.

First, I'm not Catholic. Like your spouse, I have a Pentecostal background. I now find myself as a member of the Episcopal church in an Anglo-Catholic parish. So, while I don't have the same relationship to the teachings of the Catholic church, I do have a small sense of some of the fun that your conversations must entail.

Theologically, I would argue that sex is about discipleship--that is to say, I believe that God is creator and source of creation. As creatures who are learning to grow in love of God and neighbor in the way of Jesus, I believe that our sexual desires are meant to lead us in that path. With that understanding, I believe procreation--not just the conception of life, but the creative, challenging, love-increasing/patience-trying act of raising, protecting, and nurturing children is an important part of our participation in discipleship.

I understand marriage as a development of how we understand and socially recognize families. There's economic and cultural values at play. This plays out in how we see marriage understood in about a dozen different ways in the Bible and hundreds of different ways around the world throughout history. For me the underlying question for the church is about how do we bless committed sexual relationships and how do we encourage family units that nurture and care for children in a way that reflects how Jesus calls us to live.

The reality is that there are a lot of LGBTIQ people who already have children, whether from previous relationships, from unwanted sexual encounters, through adoption and surrogacy, or through stepping in to care for abandoned children in their lives. How ought the church bless and encourage the procreative act of parenting that is going on in these households? In reality, I think the church has historically placed far too much weight of conception and far too little emphasis on parenting. I do think that procreation is an important part of committed sexual relationships. I also think that recreation, and the creative renewal of imagination that can come through committed intimacy are really important both for raising children and for the general growth of love of both God and neighbor.

I recently talked with a pastor who spent years in Latin American countries working among peasant farmers. Most of these people were too poor to formally marry whether through the church or the state. As a result, the Catholic and Protestant churches in their villages refused these folks communion--saying that they were living in sin. This particular church chose to recognize these common-law long term relationships as marriages and bless the commitment and love that these couples had for each other and their families.

I can't help but wonder if the church needs to re-think how it understands its role when it comes to marriage. Reading the Bible, we see the way many ancient communities over time engaged this question as they sought to understand how God wanted to see them live. Rather than applying their answers to that question, we must do the harder task of asking how God would have us live in our own time--how would God seek to see us grow in love and faithfulness in our own culture?

My tounge-in-cheek response is that if the church is willing to bless the marriages of infertile straight couples, the post-menopausal, etc. on the basis of the potential for miraculous pro-creation, then wouldn't it be an even stronger declaration of faith to bless gay and lesbian marriages on the same basis? I mean, gosh, wouldn't that be a miraculous conception?!? All kidding aside--that the church allows for the marriage of infertile couples is a testament to the pragmatic reality (of which the Apostle Paul wrote) that people desire and love each other and that is a good thing, regardless of whether or not they personally are capable of conceiving a child. I think the church could do much more good by emphasizing the responsibilities of all people in caring for the protection of, nurturing, and support of all children (and their parents)--but that's a teaching that's less popular, because it gets at our responsibility for caring for others in our wider communities, and that means an economic commitment to our understanding of faithfulness.

Ultimately, however, I think that marriages really have much to do with the economy of the home--the ability to partner with another to creatively steward our resources (of sexuality, money, time, ability) in a way that increases love of God and neighbor. That LGBTIQ people are already doing this, whether the church blesses it or not makes me ask, if these relationships are bearing the kind of fruit that Christian ma

Reply
Daniel Tidwell link
2/1/2014 07:59:57 am

It seems I got cut off right at the end there (I'm long-winded).

. . . That LGBTIQ people are already doing this, whether the church blesses it or not makes me ask, if these relationships are bearing the kind of fruit that Christian marriage is meant to bear, how should the church acknowledge these relationships? And can the church grow in our definition of procreation to allow for more emphasis on everyone's responsibility to care for children (and parents of children)? Given all this, I would like to see the church have a higher understanding of marriage (linked with discipleship) for all persons who marry, procreative or not.

Thanks again for your questions. You've gotten me thinking more about all this, for which I am grateful.

Peace,
Daniel

Reply
Daniel Tidwell link
2/1/2014 08:00:05 am

It seems I got cut off right at the end there (I'm long-winded).

. . . That LGBTIQ people are already doing this, whether the church blesses it or not makes me ask, if these relationships are bearing the kind of fruit that Christian marriage is meant to bear, how should the church acknowledge these relationships? And can the church grow in our definition of procreation to allow for more emphasis on everyone's responsibility to care for children (and parents of children)? Given all this, I would like to see the church have a higher understanding of marriage (linked with discipleship) for all persons who marry, procreative or not.

Thanks again for your questions. You've gotten me thinking more about all this, for which I am grateful.

Peace,
Daniel

Reply
Heather Fosth
2/7/2014 02:47:14 am

Daniel,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed response. I too believe that procreation within marriage is much, much more than simply conception. Sex ought to be generative and creative in the best and broadest use of that word. I am not a cradle Catholic. I was raised Methodist. (My father is a pastor.) I chose to join the Catholic church for many reasons, but because of my outsider experience, I don't automatically hold to all of its teachings equally. I too see the blind spot for the Catholic church of emphasizing conception above all else - often at the expense of the nurture of children and families.

Yet, ironically, one attraction of the Church for me is that emphasis. I am 42 with two children. In my 20's and 30's, I experienced a divorce between sex and procreation. We went to so many lengths to NOT get pregnant and yet we wanted to have sex with whomever and whenever we wanted giving ourselves multiple opportunities to conceive! (Yes, my lifestyle was different back in the day! Good times, though. : ) ) Sex was about pleasure, expression, freedom etc. Now, I LOVE those things about sex, but procreation was not among them. Somehow we dismissed the reality that sex can create an actual life and not simply be one part of our lives and choices. So, ironically, the doctrine of holding procreation sacred has become one of the life giving aspects of joining the church.

Your take on marriage as a process for discipleship is not new for me but I heard it in a new way. That is one thing that I will think more deeply about for sure. Thank you.

In the end, I love my friends (who also happen to be gay and married.) They have a great life of faith and I can see the gifts of the Holy Spirit in their union. Christ said, "You will know a tree by its fruits. If the fruit is good, then the tree is good." That is my guiding principle when I encounter situations or circumstances that bump up against Church history or tradition (which I also love) and ways of understanding God's Word in our present context and culture. The fruit of their marriage is good as far as I can see. That may just be enough of an answer to any question.

Blessings to you,
Heather

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